list of fails

i am a semi-successful person, or so i must tell myself about every other day, because my list of fails tends to grow. somehow the closer i am to being a respected member of society, the more aware i am of the question 'seriously, how did i make it this far?' so here we go, for your enjoyment, my sorrow:
1) i just tried to open my front door with my electronic lock. for my CAR. AGAIN.
2) tried to change my hair color with a box of hair dye. the key word would have been 'dye'. my hair is the same color as it was before. a color that i tried to change because i dont like it. fail.
3) i called my bubbie to let her know that i was actually using the stove, since i thought she'd be proud. i told her i was making her stewed strawberries. which i could hear the shame in her voice because the only time you make stewed strawberries is when i have the sense to buy fresh fruit like a good healthy person who doesnt eat all their food from a frozen box. the sense is then lost 3 weeks later when i have wilted strawberries in the back of your fridge. which you then stew. of course my bubbie knows this, and knows the fail. then she says its ok, just add lemon juice and sugar and it will all be fine. i tell her i have none of that, but i did find a packet of splenda in my car that i will add. the shame. and then by stewed strawberries boil over while on the phone with her. and she says its ok, just clean it up, it will be between her and me. so instead, im telling you all, and i still havent cleaned up the red juice that is all over my stove. its ok, i wont be using that again for a while : )